The Cost of Transformation

I wrote the following exactly a year ago today. It’s amusing to read things you’ve written in the past, and I share it on my blog today because even after an entire year, it still has meaning for me.

We're studying Forgotten God in our small group and this question got some heavy reactions:

"Are you open to being transformed [by the Holy Spirit] no matter what that may mean for your life? If you do want to be changed, why do you desire this? If you don't, what is keeping you from desiring this change?"

So what is my answer?

Before I offer it, I want to share how the story of Elijah has captivated me lately. The story is in 1 Kings 17-19. What caught my attention was what he said in Chapter 19, verses 3,4:

Elijah was afraid and fled for his life. He went to Beersheba, a town in Judah, and he left his servant there. Then he went alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died."

I can totally relate with what I imagine Elijah was feeling. His lament followed a sequence of events in which he saw God provide free refills of flour and oil to a widow, raise her child from the dead, burn an offering that was drenched in water, send rain after years of drought, and run faster than a chariot to escape that rain. In all honesty, this man saw God do astounding things. What could cause him to find himself alone and waiting for death to take him? Was it taxing on him when the widow cursed God for allowing her son to die? Was he nervous when the worshippers of Baal were calling on their god to ignite their offering? Did he feel burdened in being the one to pray fervently for the rain to come? Surely Jezebel's threat of death sent him right over the edge.

I said that I can relate to Elijah. While I've never witnessed God's work in the same way that Elijah did, I have seen God do mighty things before my eyes. When I asked for a way out of the temptation to follow my peers and their recreational drinking for sake of keeping companionship, he provided a community of new friends who were truly following Christ, who were fun and helped me walk in a path that was life giving. I received courage as the Lord brought me to East Asia to share the Gospel with college students and witness some give their lives to Christ despite a language barrier and a strong opposition by the national government. Now as I am in the Dominican Republic, I am leading our team of five young adults who have never been out of the country for a year, not to mention never with the sole purpose of reaching students for Christ as a profession. We don't know what students need to hear to be free to experience Christ, my Spanish is at best mediocre, and our team dynamics are far from seamless.Despite how I've seen God work in my past, most days the weight of these responsibilities brings me to the same disposition as Elijah: "Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died."

Before we answer if we are open to transformation by the Spirit, we have to analyze the cost.

Is it too honest to share that there are days when I wish that the success of my job didn't depend on God working through me? That it would be more comfortable for me to go back to being a high school math teacher where I can put in the hours of preparing lessons for students, being a good role model for eight hours a day, then go home and relax?

Instead, I am challenged with continuously seeking God's counsel to lead my team with wisdom and strength to obey his commands. When the Spirit asks me to drop my anger towards a teammate and spend time in prayer that unity and love would abound, I can't help but think, "No, thank you!" When the Spirit is asking me to lead my team in a time of worship, I want to crawl in a hole and stay there because I'd rather be shy about my gifts of singing and playing the guitar than to trust God that His Spirit will provide much needed rejuvenation to our team despite my lack of proper training.

So how can we be sure that the benefits of letting the Spirit transform our lives out weigh the costs?

Growing up, my mom always challenged me to do socially risky things: sing in talent shows, try out for cheer, run for student government, wear a super trendy outfit to school, take back food that wasn't cooked to order. I always groaned and tried to get out of doing these things, but she always convinced me that it really wasn't that big of a deal and that I had more to gain than to lose. I'll never forget the day that I learned that the reason she pressed me so hard was because she was too afraid to take these kinds of risks! We were at a water park and she refused to go down the water slide. Even after I told her how much fun it would be and that it wasn't that scary, she still resisted.

While I won't compare the thrill of living in compliance to the beckoning of the Holy Spirit to a trip down a water slide, it does help me realize how much I've gained when I've accepted my mom's challenges and how much we have to gain when we take the risks He asks us to take. I received attention and appreciation by my family when I sang for them. In cheer, I was able to express myself through movement and blossom in a time when my self confidence was in need of a boost. Being in student government put me in situations where I needed to meet new people and I saw myself being able to encourage those who felt unseen in our student body.

We won't always know what the benefits are of following the Holy Spirit. They might not even benefit ourselves, but someone else. If I want my answer to be "Yes, I want to be transformed by the Holy Spirit no matter what it may mean for my life," I have to remind myself daily of the truth in Psalm 84:10-12:

A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else! I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God than live the good life in the homes of the wicked. For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. O Lord of Heaven's Armies, what joy for those who trust in you.